By Deborah Kline, Ed.S.
Can you “feel” this picture? Man, I sure can. Ten years of working from home, raising special needs kids, schools, therapies, graduate school, church ministry, PTA, the list of the crazy goes on. Yet, never have my abilities to manage the crazy been more stretched than in this 2020 season of virtual learning. Virtual education challenges every fiber of my patient being. Know that this blog is as much for me as it is for anyone else on the same journey.
Like us, I’m sure your first week(s) of school has some technology hiccups, endless “to dos,” and “this is never going to work” moments. Just after I finished the bulk of this blog yesterday, my son had a meltdown over an assignment that involved google docs, text boxes, and elusive submission boxes. It was a pivotal moment of “practicing what I preach.” My initial reaction was to meltdown with him, cave to the stress, and just do it all for him – after all, he knew the information, he just didn’t know how to put it on the Google doc. But, that little voice of teacher wisdom reminded me that my initial reaction does more damage than good in the long run. He needs to learn these skills.
As we look ahead into the abyss of the 2020-2021 schoolyear unknowns, we hope virtual learning is just a few weeks, but realistically, we need to prepare as if this is our norm for an extended period of time. We know how to do normal. If the virus numbers dwindle away this month and we can go back Face-to-Face next month, we can go back to normal pretty quickly. But if things remain the same, we can make the most of this new “virtual normal.” Change is never easy, but it can produce beneficial new norms as we reframe negative attitudes into opportunities for growth – in our kids and in ourselves as parents and educators.
Children Mirror Others’ Attitudes
In my years as an elementary specials teacher, one phenomenon observed was all the classes took on the personalities of the home room teachers. If the teacher was quiet and reserved, the class was quiet and reserved. If the teacher was organized, the class was organized. If the teacher was negative, the class was attitude. Every year, class by class. It did not matter how the class started out, by the end of the year, they all adopted the attitude of the teacher. Children adopt the behaviors and attitudes of others around them – especially the adults involved in guiding the learning.
I am as guilty as anyone for getting frustrated when the internet is out or when an assignment is confusing for my child (or me); however, what I have discovered is that any time I do not keep my attitudes in check, my children reflect my frustration and attitude, escalating as the emotions grow. Unlike me, an adult, however, they cannot turn it off as easily as I can.
Children do not have the emotional coping skills which adults have developed through years of experiencing frustration.
Children, also, have not fully developed the executive function skills – the problem-solving and steps of action – needed to get out of confusion and frustration; thus, they melt in the pressure and become a ball of emotions often much larger than our own.
Children need adults to be the calm that helps them regain their calm when the emotions become too big – adults who will come alongside them to help them process, plan, and move forward productively.
How do we train positive coping skills?
Stay calm. We are living in a highly emotional season of life – job stress, financial concerns, health concerns, grief over lost jobs, grief over sick and lost loved ones. The stress levels of this season make us all emotionally volatile. Just look at the daily news and social media feeds. Yet, as adults, we have had years of learning how to cope with these situations. Our kids have not been through that developmental process yet. We need to model the calm.
A wise principal advised me my first year teaching: Respond, don’t react. Responding requires a pause and brings a calm to the situation.
Listen. Listen to the words being expressed to show validation. Children need to feel heard and understood, even if their assumptions are not completely accurate. The same is true for adults. Show that you join them in the emotion of the frustration without giving into the knee jerk reaction.
Empathize and join them in the moment, walking them through the process. Ethical researchers Poling et al. (2016) defined empathy as seeing another’s pain then working to reduce that pain. In learning situations, it involves seeing the child’s frustrations and working to reduce it. It does not mean you have to understand or even agree with the the presumed cause(s), but it implores the teacher to take on the responsibility to relieve the pain by walking them out of it. It also does not mean the child should be allowed the easy way out of the responsibility. For example, your child fails an assignment. He or she may want to blame it on the teacher’s poor directions. Empathize with the hurt of failure, without blaming the teacher, and help the child learn from and correct the mistakes – as tedious as it is, then move on. Mistakes are opportunities to learn.
Reframe the situation. Look at what is happening from a different perspective to find the positive and productive aspects – the proverbial “silver lining.” For example, while it can be annoying teaching your child how to navigate the nuances of computers and new computer programs, the skills gained through these experiences wil better prepare him or her for computer based jobs in the future!
Employ humor. Find something funny in the situation. Nothing breaks a negative moment like a lighthearted giggle. In our home, we humorously divert blame to the dog to lighten the mood. There’s something about blaming a cute, paralyzed, pug-like dog who couldn’t harm a fly that provides just enough affect to get us through the moment. “It’s all Blue’s fault” cue the headtilt of adorable confusion.
Practice new skills and provide examples. Take note of where your child is struggling. Model, practice, and provide step-by-step examples of those skills until they can perform them independently. Maybe it’s following the schedule, locating something on the virtual learning platform, typing discussion responses, advocating for learning needs to the teacher. Provide examples they can go back and refer to when you are not close by. These are all skills which have to be and can be trained… but it takes time and grace.
Know when to advocate. There comes a time when parents do need to communicate the child’s needs to the teachers when something is just not working. Virtual learning is a symbiotic teaching partnership between the school teacher and the parent. Communication between the two has never been more important. The vast majority of teachers want students to succeed, feedback helps them know what is working and not working. Remember, it is about advocating, not complaining. Choose words well, showing respect and reaffirming the teacher’s intelligence and professionalism. A teacher is much more willing to accomodate an encouraging parent than a combative one.
For those working full time and facilitating virtual learning…
I see you. I know you do not have the margin in your work day for walking your child through every “moment” that arises. As a mom who has worked from home for 10 years, I am intimately familiar with the balance between taking care of your child’s needs and being a professional. Just getting this blog written has been a battle between teaching my daughter, helping my son navigate his virtual learning, tutoring, the endless pile of laundry and dishes, and finding moments to finish this piece (which took me almost 2 weeks to finish) – all under the blanket of the “I should be with the kids instead of working” guilt. I get it. And, the younger the child, the harder it is – add special needs to the mix, it’s tough.
Grace, dear kindred soul. Grace is the theme for this schoolyear. Do what you can, and let the rest go.
One last practical tool for all parents: SET BOUNDARIES. Teaching and establishing boundaries is essential for our sanity during this season, whether you are working or not. Children, especialy school age children, can be trained to understand and work within set boundaries. Gently, but sternly, remind your child, “I hear you. I want to help you, but cannot right now. When I have a break at X:00, we will work through this together.” This assures them of your attention and presence, while setting the appropriate boundary. Often, the child learns to resolve the issue on their own in the waiting. Regardless, follow through and reassure your child of your interest in their lives.
Hang in there, moms, dads, teachers. It will be a roller coaster year, but, as exhorted before, extend abundant grace, look for the positives, and reframe the situation!
References
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.
Cloud, H. and Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes when to say no to take controlof your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing Company.
Pohling, R., Bzdok, D., Eigenstetter, M., Stumpf, S., & Strobel, A. (2016). What is ethical
competence?The role of empathy, personal values, and the five-factor model of
personality in ethical decision-making. Journal of Business Ethics. 137 (3) 449-474.
DOI 10.1007/s10551-015-2569-5
Deborah Kline, EdS 