By Deborah Kline, Ed.S.
Last year, my wise older sister introduced me to the enneagram. What started as a quest to understand myself, led to a better understanding of those I love and serve. For more understanding of the enneagram before delving into this blog, check out https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works
Never was this tool more valuable than in this season of figuring out schooling for my children. Before I proceed, I do want to state that enneagram coaches advise parents not to type children too early because of the risk of the child growing into a type perpetuated by the parent rather than developing organically. Enneagram combinations do often change with age, experiences, and environments. With that said, I do see core elements of certain enneagram types evident even at my kids’ ages of 9 and 12. While I won’t specifically “type” them, I lean into some of the my children’s obvious emotional motivations to inform our school decisions.
The Loyalist
Let’s start with my son. He’s systematic, loyal, and loves responsibility to a greater group of people. His favorite role in school was when he was chosen to be responsible for the American flag as a 5th grade patrol. He is also intrinsically fear motivated with a touch of OCD: he needs structure, rules, routines, and a plan for every scenario. He needs consistent people and expectations.
One night on a long walk together, I asked him if he wanted to homeschool or stay at his school. He looked at me and said, “Mom, school makes me a better person.”
I was blown away by the depth of that response. What an awareness from my goofy, video-gamer 12-year-old? He realized his loyalty and connection to a greater organization motivates him to be a better human. While he is still developing, these core motivations are obvious in his everyday functioning – leading me to suspect he is developing into a 6 – the loyalist – at least in this season. Because of his deep need to be loyal to his friends and school, we chose to keep him connected with his school.
The Individualist
Now let’s look at my daughter. From the day she was born, our spunky little strawberry blonde was obviously born to stand out. Everything she does has to be different from every other kid – her style, her interests, her activities, her personality. The other day she exclaimed, “When I grow up, I want to be my own boss and make things for people in my own way.” She is also a roller coaster of emotions, one minute giggling hysterically, the next her world is dramatically collapsing around her. The very thing she loves most about herself is also what she cries at night about: “Why do I have to be different?”
All of these characteristics are oh so familiar to me as an enneagram 4 – the individualist. I share that same individualistic, entrepreneurial spirit. I thrived in learning independently both as a homeschooler and in online graduate school – give me a new book, concept, or place to explore and the learning takes off from there. Perimeters and rules were never my jam – until I realized the tools empowered my improvisation and self-expression. While my daughter is not quite to the self-learning stage yet, I can already see this approach to learning and growing resonates in her. This is one of the reasons she thrives in the flexibility and freedom of homeschooling.
Every child’s emotional motivation and makeup is different.
When considering school options for this year, whether it’s just for the season or for the long haul, remember to include your child’s motivations – as well as your own needs – in the discussion. You may even find the right choice may be different for each child.
If you want to know more about the enneagram and understanding your students and loved ones, I highly suggest visiting http://www.enneagraminstitute.com
Most of all, find what works for your family and be confident that it is the right decision. I recognize some of you don’t have a choice. Remember it is just a season. We will go back to normal – one day. Until then, we will all get through this together!
Deborah Kline, EdS 